Jiminy Crickets

i forgot this thing even existed haha

hi all, missed you dearly!

ifeellove.

that is all.

=]

Love.

My family was never what you would call “well off.” I vaguely even remember my childhood and what I do remember was mostly taking care of my brother and sister and having to grow up too quickly. There were periods in my life when we were homeless, living in hotels and going from place to place, periods where my mom had a job and all was well; times when my dad would go out “Christmas shopping” and come home two years later. Somewhere around the age of twelve I had noticed that I grew some sort of bitterness toward God, I'm sure it started years before that though. I would tell people that I don’t believe in God and even truly believed that myself. I came up with reasons God couldn’t exist, the fact that at night I didn’t know if my parents were going to sleep, or if they spent all the money we had for food on drugs. It became a routine after a while, the first week of every month the welfare check would come in as well as food stamps, we’d eat pretty well during that week, and the other three weeks were always a struggle to make ends meet. The smarter individuals in the house would learn to hide food in their room and lock the door whenever they left so no one would take any. The entire family lived with my great grandma, her kids, their kids, and their kids at one point we had twenty four people living in a four bedroom house, we put beds in the living room, the garage, and a camper with an extension cord in the backyard. Not one of them had jobs; the government was feeding us and fueling their addictions, while my seventeen year old brother and I, sixteen at the time, shared a room and were the only two with jobs. There wasn’t much motivation to go to school, so we rarely did, but when we did, we excelled and therefore were the only people in our family to have high school diplomas in the end. I can remember moving just about every school year, if not more often than that because we just decided not to pay rent. All to say, I was bitter, I didn’t believe in God, and if there was a God, I hated Him, I wanted nothing to do with this “creator” or anything He had to offer me. People would try to talk to me about God, and I would quickly let them know how I felt, either verbally or physically. I saw my mom live one was and claim to be a Christian as well as my twin brother; if it was one thing I wouldn’t be it was fake. I claimed myself as an evolutionist and went on my day the only way I knew to be, numb. Until one day I met a girl, her name was Brittany and she went to church. I didn’t mind so much on account of her being cute, so when she invited me, I went with her. I would sit in the seat, seemingly unable to breathe, I hated being there, but I knew that she liked it that I come; so I stayed. This continued about three times a week for five weeks. Still no response to an altar call, no lifting my hands, no singing, I had it made, the girl, and the lifestyle I wanted. The night ended, I didn’t listen to a word that was said and once again, I felt accomplished. I needed to use the restroom so I walked into the side hallway to lead me to the restroom and there was the pastor, Jeremy Johnson, I scoffed under my breath. “hey man, how you doin?” he asked politely. “I'm’ fine.” I responded trying to walk past him, but I couldn’t. “I'm Jeremy, what’s your name?” “Sean.” I said shortly. And all of a sudden, tears started welling up in my eyes, I couldn’t control it, I just started crying, for the first time in longer than I could remember I was crying. “I don’t know what’s happening,” I stammered, “whatever you have, I want.” And with that he lead me in prayer, to receive Jesus into my life. Afterwards he looked at me and said “remember this day, today is the first day of the rest of your life.” It wasn’t an easy road after that, the amount I was at the church bothered my dad, I never wanted to be home, so anytime I could I would be gone for fifteen plus hours a day, getting more of the Love that I just met. Brittany moved away and I had nothing else to focus on but God. We kept a relationship going long distance and I would go out to Colorado to visit her whenever I got the chance. But it ended in its time. I learned from the beginning of my walk what it was like to have companionship and ever since then I craved it, whether consciously or subconsciously, I wanted a relationship. I would find a girl that liked me, jump into a relationship with her, and move on as soon as I got bored. The leaders in my life noticed this and always told me to stop, but I wouldn’t. So whenever I would get a new girlfriend, I would simply stop coming to church, which killed my reputation. But I knew they needed me, a man named Matt Hoover took me under his wing my first few months there and taught me the way to run the video department for the youth, and I was the only one to know how to do it well after he left to become a youth pastor. So when I would break up with a girl, I would come back, walk upstairs and start running video again to the relief of the leadership and the stressed out girl who always helped me. Then came senior year of high school, and I met another girl, and routinely, I went for it, this one was different though, I wanted to be with her, I didn’t get bored, so when I stopped coming to church, I didn’t come back like usual. I gave her everything, my heart, my love, my virginity. And when it ended, I couldn’t pick myself back up again by myself. Head down, eyes on the ground, I walked back into the church, ready to fake it once again. The first person I saw, Pastor Jeremy Johnson. He asked where I had been to which I replied that I had no excuse this time. He told me that I couldn’t run the video for a while even though they needed me to, which I still respect him for doing to this day. Senior year was over, and I joined the internship program at Calvary Temple Worship Center in Modesto, Ca. One of the rules for first year inters is that they can’t date, which consists of being alone with or texting, or talking on the phone to members of the opposite sex about anything other than ministry. One of the rules I found myself breaking often. The same girl I gave my heart to would ask me to come over, or I’d tell her I wanted to see her and at night, I would sneak over to her house. I came to a point where I wanted to quit the internship, which was a very hard thing to do because your internship partner would get kicked out as well. So between semesters, before I could get assigned a new partner, I moved out of the intern house, and into my brother’s house. I had my exit meeting with Pastor Jeremy, and was ready for the ring out session, which is where all of the interns get the chance to plead you to stay. Feeling uplifted I told them I would stay in the internship. The second I got back to my brother’s house though, his wife and he told me they made me feel guilty so that I would, which I immediately agreed with. The next day they threw a party for my younger brother’s eighteenth birthday, and I drank as much as I could. Orientation for the next intern semester was a few days later and before I signed the contract I told pastor Jeremy that I wanted to let him know what had happened. I told him over winter break I got drunk and made out with someone I was sorry, which I truly was. He said he forgave me and told me never to do so again. What I didn’t tell him was that another intern was at the party and a week or so later she confessed too but said I wasn’t there and it was a different party. Those lies made it look like I was lying also, and pastor called us both into his office. I failed to correct myself on the date of it happening which was a huge issue because it was after the ring out session where I said I would stay in the internship. Pastor told me that I had two weeks to prove I wanted to stay in it, and I failed. I just stopped showing up and gave up. I got a great job at Frito Lay and just worked full time. Through a series of months, I didn’t pray, read my Bible or attend a church service, I just lived life without it. One day my emotions were racing and randomly I got a text message from the same girl I left running the video department so many times before saying, “you know God always finds a way to put you right where he wants you even if you don’t want to be there.” With this I finally heard God tell me to ask Pastor Jeremy if I could rejoin his internship after I got off work. Seeing as how I got off at midnight that night, I thought it was just a crazy idea had. But when I drove past the church that night, every intern’s cars were there as well as his. I took the walk again; head down, into his office, but this time looking for self restoration. And asked him if I could, to which he smiled at me and simply said “of course man, I would be honored if you would.” I’ve had to stop internship due to finances since them but now I have an opportunity of a lifetime to rejoin the internship and finish what I started.

It's been a while.

iloveyou.

Dear God,

if i don't have you, ill die.
-Sean

I'm

Ready.

well put

Hi, Im Sean. Im with a global enterprise. We have branches in every country in the world. We have representatives in nearly every parliament and boardroom on earth. Were into motivation and behavior alteration. We run hospitals, feeding stations, crisis-pregnancy centers, universities, publishing houses, and nursing homes. We care for our clients from birth to death. We are into life insurance and fire insurance. We perform spiritual heart transplants. Our original Organizer owns all the real estate on earth plus an assortment of galaxies and constellations. He knows everything and lives everywhere. Our product is free for the asking. (Theres not enough money to buy it.) Our CEO was born in a hick town, worked as a carpenter, didnt own a home, was misunderstood by his family and hated by his enemies, walked on water, was condemned to death without a trial, and arose from the dead. I talk with him everyday.

-Max Lucardo

Striving

im striving
to be a man slow to speak and quick to listen
im striving
to be a man of soft words rather than rash ones
im striving
to never say "i cant" or "i quit"
im striving
to be a man who you can trust
im striving
to be a man you can believe in
im striving
to pay the cost i can never repay
im striving
to live pure in an impure world
im striving
to die so i can truely live
im striving im striving
to love you when you dont love me
im striving
to stay when i see no reason to
im striving im striving
to live like i know i should
im striving
to win the game we all secretly play
im striving im striving....